Wait. No one told me about this..

I've read so many of these blogs with "10 Things No One Tells You..", "15 Things Every Expecting Mom Should Know..", etc. But, I have yet to find one that encompassed ALL the surprises/expectations that come with L&D. So...here I go...

• "You'll just know" was the constant advice I got when questioning labor. Well, I hate to break to ya, but for me..it wasn't THAT obvious. I had crampy feelings for a few weeks prior, and this didn't seem all that different. But just give it 5 minutes--then you'll know. 
• Listen to your body. I sat at home despite constant pressure to get to the hospital. "Oh my god. She should get to the hospital." "She needs to go NOW." "Why is she still at home?". I sat here for 6 hours before finally feeling like it was time. Upon my arrival, within 10 minutes--my water broke. Listen. To. YOUR. Body.
• Birth plans? That's great for the overly organized to have this nice plan all typed up and rehearsed beyond belief. But, 9/10 it will NOT go this way. Let's face it, you haven't been in control of this show since day 1. Baby decides when your hungry, when you'll toss your cookies, AND when they want to be born & how. Mom decisions regarding her own body are no longer...
• Pitocin. I know I've referred to it as the "devil" of labor. But it's mostly just due to the fact there was no gradual increase of pain for me. It hits you like a semi going 95 mph. I had terrible back labor so there was just no getting comfy at that point.. epidural, here I come!
• Epidurals. I really didn't want to have one but once pitocin set in I knew there was no going forward without it. If you're scared of needles (I'm not, but hey..it's still scary having a giant one poked into your spine) you'll be glad to know that it is NOT painful. It feels very strange..but painful is definitely not the word I'd use to describe it. So, there's one fear you can check off the list. (As a matter f fact--the most painful part is ripping the tape that held it in place off--holy crap.)
• Don't press your button for your epidural and then fall asleep on your side. BAD NEWS. I did this and fell asleep. My entire left side was so numb I couldn't even attempt to move, and I could only feel the pressure on my right side. We had to wait for the numbing to wear off so I could push..so, don't do that.
• Pushing. I pushed for two hours, but it felt like 20 minutes. In my opinion, this part of the process is such a confidence booster. To physically feel yourself use every strength you didn't even know you had is just a miraculous thing. Not to mention the amazement in your husband's eyes and the exclamations your birthing coaches say to you (I had my husband, my mom and our family photographer in the room) really makes you feel like Superwoman-or should I say Supermom?
• Tearing & the "aftermath". I swear it took longer to fix me back up then it did to actually give birth. But on a good note, I was not in severe pain despite what had just happened down yonder. However, the aftermath of that is traumatizing. Let me explain..
• The staff gets you up very soon after delivery to go use the facilities. Not only is it difficult to walk at this point (again--see my numbing issue) but what I discovered was terrifying. I'll be darned if I was going to do anything but urinate at this point, but upon going to clean up--HOLY MOSES. I had no idea everything would be THAT swollen. I mean, I suppose that should be expected, but hey--this was my first rodeo and I had no idea. But thank god, it all goes back to normal. Whew---so scary. 
• Another fun part of the aftermath is the squirt bottle they give you to "clean" yourself. It's like, this silly bottle is not going to do the job. Do you SEE what just came out of there. I need a shower.
• Mesh undies. I don't think any mom is instantly read to give birth again. So, good news is they give you these undies and a few pairs to take home. Just wear these babies all the time and you won't have to worry about your husband wanting to come near you! Hence, no conception! Ha. Kidding, but really..these are super comfy but just the most unflattering things you will ever put on your body.
• The mattress pad of a liner they give you after birth. Granted, they are needed..but good lord. They're HUGE. I swear if they made real pillows out of that material we'd all sleep a little better.
• That belly. For me, it went down quite a bit just after she was out. But don't expect it to go anywhere anytime soon--at least not for me.
• Breastfeeding. After laboring for 23 hours, the last thing I wanted was my nurse to be squeezing the crap out of my breasts and shoving my newborn's face into it. But, that's exactly what happened. It was traumatizing for me, and my baby. We were tired and this was A LOT of work. Nothing came out, I had no milk yet, and we were tired. But not to fret--after LOTS of work, meetings with LCs, and the use of a shield for the first month--we got it down. Don't give up mommies! If it's the method you want to use, you can do it. 
• Going home. I left within 24 hours of giving birth. I wanted a shower, my own bed/couch, and to not be woken up every 30 minutes by an IV machine beeping hysterically. But for us, going home wasn't scary. my husband returned to work the next day (he had a new job and couldn't get anymore time off), but we had help from my mom nearly everyday. I sort of enjoyed the challenges that home life brought. It made me feel like I could really do this--I was going to be a good mom. 

My baby girl is 10 weeks old tomorrow, going in for her 2 month appointment and we're all surviving.  All these things listed above just make me chuckle now looking back....ahhhhh, motherhood.