Maybe it's time...

 

You know it’s funny. Sitting here, reflecting on my life the past decade. I had some really beautiful moments in my early 20’s. And I had some really ugly moments in my mid-20’s. And I punished myself a really long time for that. For those ugly moments. I wasn’t always a great person. And I knew that. And I still know that. For a long time, I assumed everything bad that happened to me, was karma. And maybe it was. Hell, it probably was. But I never knew if I was going to come out of that. If I will have “repaid my debt” so karma would stop coming after me. But as it continued, I just assumed I still deserved what was coming to me. In a very short time span, I ended a marriage, was in and out of the hospital with seizures, fired from my job, had to borrow money, brought my kids home to an empty house because I had to divide furniture, had to ask for help with literally everything.

Now, here I am sitting on my couch trying to recuperate and write annual reports while my kids are with their other parent, listening to my woodwick candles flicker, and was just chatting with a friend, that I’ve actually never formally met. And do you know what he said to me? That after following my journey for the past year or two, I am someone “people should admire”.  Hold the phone. I don’t deserve such words. I’ve been a shitty person at times. I’m not always the best mom. I’m not the best Director at my job, or the best cook, best girlfriend (fiancé now).

Then I paused those thoughts. Maybe it’s time. Maybe it’s time I forgive myself for who I was. Maybe its time I realize I’m not at all the same woman I was 2 years ago, 5 years ago, 7 years ago. That with every mistake I’ve made, I’m at a point where I have learned. I’ve learned from those and its time to let it go.

Maybe it’s time. Maybe it’s time I allow myself to feel truly happy and most importantly, DESERVING of this period of my life. I feel like the luckiest that I get a second chance at love—and now, maybe I’m not any less deserving because this is a second chance. A part of me was a bit anxious sharing in our joyful news. Would they judge me because this is my second chance? Then I realized I didn’t really care. Randy knows quite literally, everything there is to know about me. I was so convinced I was a terrible person, I literally told him every negative thing about myself before we even met. And…here we are. Fifteen short days ago that man asked me to be his wife, knowing 100% the woman I am and the woman I was, and maybe it’s time.

Maybe it’s time I just forgive myself and feel thankful for this life God has given me.